March 22nd, 2006

the-gi het-gi gi-het(heat) get-hi hit-eg

Such mistakes, such losses, such pain.

There is everything to be thankful for, there is everything to be sorry for. I feel sorry for what has happened, I know I was wrong in what I did and even now I feel so much of the pain it caused that the hurt in me is unbearable. You're so wonderful Anne, everything I ever longed for, strong, wise, loving, kind, and more.. You brought such magic to this life I have been given, without you I would still be dead inside, slaving for nothing with no truth to the direction of the action I make, no reason to leave the places I once resided in, no true emotions to feel save those of remorse and self pity. You brought me out of a slumber that had me in its grip for many years and woke the heart that beats within me to a life of beauty and joy!

The All in me and you is still alive and knows that though we have hurt and made mistakes we will always forgive and work together to move forward and continue growing and dreaming, it will never die, it can never end, it is Everything and we are ever One.

I will bring these things to you soon, I know not the date when it will occur, know this, I lost a piece of me last night, a huge chunk of my soul left this place with you, I only asked for you to come and give me a hug goodbye to ask forgiveness, there is nothing more important to me than making amends for the actions which cause such hurts between us. It takes two to connect, it takes two to seperate, it takes two to work things out, it takes two to think things through, it takes to to make do. I love you. Please forgive the actions, they are not the person. Remember waking up embracing, remember looking into each others eyes, remember the emotional bond, remember the good things the best moments the wonderful times, remember the feelings of love and joy and everything that meant the most. I forgive everyone always for everything because it's what I know "God" wants of us all, and I know that no matter the sufferring I must endure, I will do what is required of me to fulfill the dream. I have always hoped it would be with you, I hoped that the strength would be in you to endure and embrace change and grow with me in this, I did not know it would be so painful to love someone so much and I pray that someday the rage inside you will cease to take the form of physical attack, I cannot endure such scars, they are more than the sounds you make and the emotional energy we share in this bond we have which is out of our control, they are physical and draw blood and show the truth more than any promise or lie.

Here are the things I love about the wife I married.

She feels passionately about the health of everything living.
She loves art and expression, dance and education.
She identifies and empathizes with many types of people.
She almost always looks for the bright side of all.
She feels strong and fearless, she is not afraid of hard work

There are so many aspects of the woman I love that I could list, but at the same time, there is something in her which causes her to dismiss all of her best traits in a heartbeat when it suits her and only think of herself that I feel much sorrow for. For no matter how many times and ways it is expressed that she loves me and everyone, she does not show it unless it suits her, she completely reverses her behaviour and becomes a child with no concern for the one she loves, no empathy, no advice, no care and no semblance of the woman I love whenever she wants, she turns the "oneness" on and off at will.

How can such an amazing, wonderful, compassionate, beautiful soul go from love to hate, from joy to rage, from kisses to scratches, from laughing to crying, from uplifting words to degrading words, from singing to cajoling.. how can this woman be so much the one I love? How can I be so connected to her? How can I keep loving her so much when she continues to hurt me so?

She scratched and punched and thrown rocks and more, ignored, said I do not care, told me to stop talking again and again. She said she loves me but I was abandoned and was used to gain things for her pleasure. This woman has told of her history, ways, desires and determinations, all of which are both selfless and selfish at the same time. She contradicts herself at every turn, how can this be?

I know this is the woman I was born to spend life with, I know she is everything and more to me, I know that for some reason we were meant to be together, I know there is an emotional bond between us that connects us no matter how far apart we are but it seems I am the only one willing to give everything away for it.. to lose all for one..

I wrote you a letter today, I called them to find you, I asked them to give it to you, I asked them to request you merely come and give me a hug before leaving.. I cried and I am crying now, they hurt me, you hurt me, they left me, you left me. I will survive and be stronger because of all of this and I only did what was done to show you what it feels like since it seems you never have felt what I am going through, which is why it seems so easy to just dismiss me and all of it and nothing worth the effort of staying.

I love you forever and ever. I always have before we met and always will even after this body dies and this spirit reconnects to the heavens. I hope we can work this out, I know we can. I hope you will forgive me, I know you can. I hope you feel the love I send and the sorrow I feel.
the-gi het-gi gi-het(heat) get-hi hit-eg

Not Self Pity.

I state the facts. I do the best possible to give the information that exists to the people who deal with "helping" those in need and for some reason it is always taken as some sort of "self pity" or something. I take direction from everyone and have tried hard to go through each stage of this ordeal with a smile, all the while every direction I am faced with "fault" on the part of the actions I take. Noone else has been at fault throughout this entire process, not one single person in all the systems which have denied me service and assaulted and descriminated against me have in any way been the cause, it has always been justifyable to everyone along the way that those who do me wrong are allowed to do so because in some way I invited it.

I study Human rights, I study the criminal code, I take the tests and come out "sane" and "not a danger to myself or anyone else" I aspire always to help everyone I can and everyone "god" directs me to, I always forgive everyone for their actions against me, even though sometimes I get upset and speak loudly and do not take the time to breath and rethink the words that come out, but what would you do? It is nearly April, I have been homeless since near January 1st and everywhere I go I am hated and turned away.. Everyone who used to have respect for me has libelled and slandered me "crasy", on drugs, or should be on medication(more drugs)!

I have been denied all the shelters in halifax, most of the soup kitchens, barred from every hospital and library in the province and even denied a bed when teh temperature was minus 16! Thats against the law.

There has been so much wrong done to me since this series of unfortunate events began that I am ready to accept that I perhaps ought to "go crasy" on purpose and either force the system to kill me or imprison me just to satisfy the desire of the entire world that I go away forever since everywhere I go I am turned away without being given a chance.

The doctors in Truro evaluated me, they found me to be fine, though they also thought I ought to slow down a bit, but why? I like going fast, I have alwyas aspired to be more and more efficient, it's one of my trademark skills, even Kalan Bird from Phonolite was uber suprised at the way I entered into the rave community in Montreal and became such an influence and so well known in a short time.

I have built websites for Phonolite, Psychonaut, Amour Des Gaufres, Tropical Island Products Ltd., Bon Train, and more. I've created multiplayer maps for Quake 3, I've done some highly priased photography and deco, I've worked for Insight, Grouse Mountain, Coast Range Contracting, Fabric Fabric, DSMax, Carpenters, Drywallers, Telemarketers, Landscapers, and lots of others.. Travelled the entire country all the way to Dawson City, taught dance to students in high school, was published in numerous papers over teh span of my life for many positive things and always aspired to do things for everyone I meet selflessly, none of what I do even now is meant to benefit me, "god" wants me to take the knowledge I have accumulated and utilize it for good and still noone seems interested in taking my case!

What is wrong with the world these days? Where are the good people? Who is fighting for justice? Why have I been destroyed by the people who ought to help me? Why have the churches ignored my please for help? Why has community services denied me assistance? Why have the police broken laws and harassed me and told me to get out of halifax because I am not wanted there?

Why is it everywhere I turn I am told that no matter what happens to me, the fault is mine? yet so many good people have connected to me and liked me and appreciated my talents and loved the work I have done for them.. Yet none of them have been willing to help me any more than to say "good luck" and then send me on my way...

It is time now, time for someone to stand up and notice the wrongdoings of those who have encountered me. Someone who fights for justice and the goodness meant to be inherent in all mankind. The laws are on our side, the trail of evidence which supports this series of events exists and is unrefutable. Who is willing to help fight the people who do wrongs instead of those who do rights?

I have made mistakes, I have spoken harshly, I have accepted the faults pointed out about my person and done the best I can to make all the necessary changes in order to satisfy everyone else. This is me helping you. This is me helping me. So I help both me and you, but who helps me?
the-gi het-gi gi-het(heat) get-hi hit-eg

Let us take some tests.. Shall we?

It appears that one of the only ways to get a surefire amount of results is to take tests on the internet, here is the location of the following tests and the results of those I fill out:

http://www.healthyplace.com/site/tests/psychological.asp#intelligence

Jung-Myers-Briggs Typology Test:
Your Type is ENFJ - Strength of the preferences %
Extroverted 56% Intuitive 50% Feeling 12% Judging 22%
ENFJ type description by D.Keirsey - ENFJ type description by J. Butt
Qualitative analysis of your type formula; You are:

moderately expressed extrovert
moderately expressed intuitive personality
slightly expressed feeling personality
slightly expressed judging personality

Kabalarian Philosophy
Your name of Gregory makes you quick-minded, versatile, and very expressive. You are adaptable and creative in responding to new situations. This name has given you an interest in people and a desire for new experiences. You have the ability to create a favourable first impression, and so you could do well in the fields of sales promotion or entertainment. The use of this name creates a lack of stability in your affairs as you are inclined to procrastinate or to be too impulsive in your decision making.

Although the name Gregory creates the urge to understand others, we emphasize that it causes a restless intensity that spoils relaxation and causes instability in your life. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the fluid systems, and solar plexus.

AdvisorTeam Classic Temperament
Guardians, are the cornerstone of society, for they are the temperament given to serving and preserving our most important social institutions. Guardians have natural talent in managing goods and services--from supervision to maintenance and supply--and they use all their skills to keep things running smoothly in their families, communities, schools, churches, hospitals, and businesses.

Guardians can have a lot of fun with their friends, but they are quite serious about their duties and responsibilities. Guardians take pride in being dependable and trustworthy; if there's a job to be done, they can be counted on to put their shoulder to the wheel. Guardians also believe in law and order, and sometimes worry that respect for authority, even a fundamental sense of right and wrong, is being lost. Perhaps this is why Guardians honor customs and traditions so strongly--they are familiar patterns that help bring stability to our modern, fast-paced world.

Practical and down-to-earth, Guardians believe in following the rules and cooperating with others. They are not very comfortable winging it or blazing new trails; working steadily within the system is the Guardian way, for in the long run loyalty, discipline, and teamwork get the job done right. Guardians are meticulous about schedules and have a sharp eye for proper procedures. They are cautious about change, even though they know that change can be healthy for an institution. Better to go slowly, they say, and look before you leap. Guardians make up as much as 40 to 45 percent of the population.

Coping Under Pressure
Your score is 31 - You appear to have a low level of stress, hopefully due to a relaxed attitude to life.

http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html - Wired AQ Test
The average score in the control group was 16.4. - Greg's Score: 21

http://www.slshealth.com/residential/behavioral_info/selftest.asp?CatID=58
Self Test for Asperger's Disorder
Your Score Is 31 of a possible score of 39 - Aspergers is a probable diagnosis; professional evaluation is needed to confirm this.

Ok this is silly, how many months does it take to get some real help from the system? I can take a thousand tests on the internet that will conclude I am smart, the history which is behind me and the people who have dealt with me will witniss that I am smart, however the people who do not like me will consistently say I am crasy and that everyone is perfectly within their rights to treat me like shit and not help me.. My mother wants me to leave now, I have nothing but a duffel bag and some other items and no direction to go in, the government and legal systems have been giving me the runaround for three months and noone seems to be able to direct me to an official who is willing or capable of seeing the insanity of this all and fight on my behalf. I do not at this time have I.D., money, an address or a direction to go in. Noone has volunteered a new direction or the name of somone who fights on behalf of people who have befallen the same set of circumstances I have.. The only one I consistently turn to for help is "God" and "He" seems to want me only to help those less fortunate than me, those who are sick, dieing, destitute etc.. but I can only give them advice based on what I know, without proper resources and compensation for the wrongdoing against me, I am stuck wandering aimlessly seeking more people to help as "God" leads me to them.. I can be a healer, I will do my best, but where do I go first "God"? Who is most in need of my help? I will always survive, I know You care for me no matter the mistakes I make, I just pray that another of your servants will hear Your word and take an interest in helping me furthur so I can in turn help others more efficiently! There is only su much one can do when they are being pushed into the gutter..
the-gi het-gi gi-het(heat) get-hi hit-eg

REFINE Creation.

1. Creation wants no name and every name. No label/every label. All words in every language, all names in every language, all letters/numbers/sounds/colors are Creation, All conceived and conditioned will always be Creating.

2. Creation is Feminine or Masculine or Sexless, Creation is ALIVE/LIFE. Creation is energy. All wavelengths and frequencies, all forms.

3. Creation is everything and nothing simultaneously. The entirety of All. Solid, Liquid, Gas, Electricity, Magnetism, Waves of every type and the Unknown. The entire Cosmos beyond the scope of humanities current and likely everlasting comprehension in its aspectness, Creation doesen't begin or end. Creation exists in "reality" and "time" without necessity to define positioning or relativity.

4. Creation is both positive and negative, light and dark, good and bad, giving and taking, inhaling and exhaling, every polarity that exists and none. Creation is constantly dividing and multiplying in every direction in order to continue Creations Evolution/Creation.

5. Creation has no "cost" or "worth" or definable "value", un-ownable, un-takable, connecting All/All grows through connection and perceived experience in All aspects. Creation utilized currency through us aspects. Creation shares All with All. Creation helps All refine "self". All = All.

6. Creation is aware of every component of Creation from All perspectives/focuses both "inside" and "out". Creation is creating Creation in/of Creation throughout Creation for the sake of Creation so that through Creation it can experience life and grow into something more.

7. Creation in terms of "Earth" has experimented on Creation akin to human "fashion" Creation is trying out this series of events in order to experience it. It does not consider the events good or evil, it merely scripts them and observes the orderly direction of them experiencing aspects of living/aliveness. Creation is doing this throughout the entirety of the expansiveness of Creations All.

8. Creation knows the good orderly direction of Creation and is in control of every aspect of Creation. Living in the connected state of Creation is humanity and humanity is connected to creation but somehow is capable of ignoring the connection. Creation knows that humanity is ignoring the connection and has created everything humanity "thinks" humanity has created in order to direct humanity towards the path of positive growth so that Creation can experience the evolution in this component of its whole at a more positive and faster rate. Humanity in part continues to attempt to ignore the direction of Creation in an attempt to destroy Creation. Humanity represents Destruction. Humanity is evolving much slower than Creation would like, but Creation knew this would occur and has shaped the "past" and "future" of this "world" so that at a "position" in "time" everything here would be sorted back into good orderly direction.

9. Destruction is polarity. Creation accepts Destruction as necessary, same. Creation considers Destruction as Conversion. All is One. Destruction Creates. Creation always CARES. Creation has carefully cared for Creation.

10. Creation conceived humanity to give humanity the lessons and the laws and the ability to learn through Creation necessary things to reconnect to good orderly direction of Creation. Humanity is capable of All/Anything through this connection. Once connected AND directed COSMIC!

11. Creation identifies as singular, partial, component, portional, proportional, measurable, definable, disconnected and otherwise utilize every form of identification. Creation is communicating the existence of creation by merely EXISTING. All aspects of Creation commonicate good orderly direction. Interpretation is refinable, as growth is. Growth is both Life and Death. "alive and dead" All communicates life by existing thus All is alive, all state.

12. Creation be borderless, authorityless, all aspects of creation FACILITATE. Creation systemizes shared living All Creating All from and for All so that All connects as Creation grows more All. Creation ACCEPTS All. Creation denies denial. "No" is a response All utilizes TO connect.

13. All aspects of Creation are alive with good orderly direction and in the realm of humanities small portion of Creation, this "garden" is meant to be grown not mowed down. This tiny planet, this tiny "cell" us "white blood cells" live on/in/around is our only current "growth space" and everything on it and in the history of it cumulatively is Creation designing a set of guidelines for our "aspect" of creation to observe and be attentive to and directed by. Once we as "aspects" learn to attend to the good orderly direction surrounding us and Creating Creation, evolution will occur in Creative concievable ways. Belief in Creation and Creator and Creativenesss is all thats necessary to incite the learnedness necessary for humanity to discard the misconnection Creation afforded us in order to experience this series of misfortunate events which has led us astray from correct communication with creation.
the-gi het-gi gi-het(heat) get-hi hit-eg

Iteration

Here are a few tidbits quoted from articles the woman we promised to love as wife forever posted on rave.ca, we express once again the extreme sorrow we feel for the actions and events that led to our disconnection. We are one. We are and always will be one. We err and learn from our errs, forgive and request forgiveness, will return the things that are here to her in person as soon as possible, we promise. We love her. We love All. We pray that somehow we will connect lovingly again, and when it occurs there will be more acceptance of All from us both as one.

"In the end time, with the democratization of the human mind, there is a tendency to reduce all values to a base level, so it is easy for anybody to assume they know it all already, and that no one can tell them anything. This is ego anarchy. Often, in this kind of climate, anyone who may know something and tries to communicate from this position is called a guru or cult leader, and so is dismissed from having any value or credibility. We must move quickly into a spirit of selfless service and cooperation. Only the emergence of a new planetary culture of peace can restore stability to the biosphere."