May 5th, 2006

the-gi het-gi gi-het(heat) get-hi hit-eg

Turn it Up

Gimme back the signal.. I'll take the agrssive nature of it, the inability for everyone to not fully identify or empathize with me, the joy was intense, the freedom, the fearlessness the everything.. it's all there still on the edges of sense, the nonsense of it all scares me, it means taking a step back from everything solid surrounding me and making influence more direct on a day to day, person to person, moment by moment basis.. In order for it to work though, things needs to be prepared for it, the information that Yanns has been gathering needs to be brought together into a workable site, a reference for anyone who needs direction..

I'm so torn, theres nothing I want more than to move through time and take myself to all the wonder filled places of the future and past, to visit the mayans and live as they lived, to go south to the jungles, to swim naked in the rivers of the carrabean, to walk the steps of those who came before.. To find a true shaman teacher and live as a student for a time, to go out into the forests and live free from influence which destroys heart and warps dream.

Surrounded by the dispair, the uncaring nature of collectives, the selfishness, the inherent sensual gratification necessity of humanity rubbs off on me, I cannot fight it immersed within it, soo many thoughts, ideas surrounding me, none of them are tight enough together to solidify into the dream.. The dream is a mist now, a thick fog from an old scooby doo cartoon, easily cut with a knife and made into a sandwich..

My dreams continually lead me back to you. Who else is dreaming the same? Who aspires as you and I? Help me find them.. Such difficulties are faced in the seeking.. I am not led by a lodestone, it is all interpretation and dedication to the current. So many currents make swimming more of a labyrinth than anything.. you anchor me.. anchor me.

We are not what we once were but we are best friends and the love will never die, it can only be as it is and grow into something new. I will always remember you as the greatest love of my life, the one true, the moments will always be fresh and alive in me, I would never want them to grow faded. I enjoy the tears, the love tells me to. You know I always will.

I want to return to being me, but I no longer know how it is to be that free. The fears have returned, they are indescribable, nonsense I know.. but they are there.. I want to sing but feel fear, I can only dance without fear and that only lasts for moments now, they are fleeting.. memory overrules freedom, fears extinguish inhibitions.. some odd sort of self dissapointment is ever there on the edge of me fighting for space..

I'm at a fork in the road, a place where both paths are hardly trodden at all.. must I walk alone?