September 2nd, 2006

the-gi het-gi gi-het(heat) get-hi hit-eg

Ego Sabotage

Honesty has us sticking to the things we say, promise, claim. Integrity spectrums areas in our lives, ranging from self to other, mobile living organism and static life. We believe everything happens for a reason/purpose coinciding in an infinite grip of predetermined possibilities. We believe we exist always exactly where we are predicted to be by one that is all, us included, Cosmos = 1 solid volume of energy in all forms = GOD = Gravitating, Orbiting, Division. ok look sidetracking, back to integrity.

Honestly, truth must be broadcasted, another stage in healing, little known fact, now all opens, expands, exerts influence, requests responses and obviously beration apologetically.

Habit: Crack (inhaled cocaine cooked with baking powder[rock] in stem pipe)
Pattern: Day/day & half long binge spaced many months apart, random
Source: Sisters Xboyfriend John rolled a pot joint mixed with cocaine once
Continue: 3 years after, roomate at hostel arrives smoking with friend offering toke

Purpose: Admit it, solutions exist, clearly visible

Recent directions led to learning lessons hard ways. Once again apologies all around and love all. Been over 12? moon cycles since occurring previously.. Binge. these forms of energy call out strongly attracting and exhilerating body anticipatorily, reason reverses and whole sections of memory dampen in order to stimulate a unidirectional thought path, body dissatisfied with treatment, directs us, behind ego, the observer us lets go of controlling ego and body, instinctual actions become autopilot. Money(distasteful undeserving of existence conceptually now due to infinite nature of experience, begin deconcieving possession, ownership) is akin to all energies, energy collective with conceptual, idealic, paradigmistic? energy imprinting awareness of determination in atomic structure. Collectives of energy determine experiencing purpose in infinte ways is entertaining, after (human)life, as observers, we go everywhere, expereience all perspectives and focuses. Existence is lifes theatre, all exists alive everywhere and everywhen striving to see and do all. Pi, Phi, E, etc life. All is infinitely larger and smaller than any single perspective is capable of observing. Here is heart, we love you.

Binged 500 dollars, 26 hours, left wallet and bank card home, 200 in pocket, feel intelligent ego? Obviously humerous attempt at avoiding spending all. Success rate? low. Arrived home, grabbed wallet, went back out. Lived nightmare. Sadness, remorse, grief, confusion, acceptance, many emotional reverberations vibrate within calling to be known, to connect.

Ego enjoys generocity sharing with others, being alone is acceptable to ego but company is oft preferred. Much is said, experiences exist. Fear enters as doors become forced open, suspicion, paranoia over sensory amplification, sounds feel forceful and all is the sound of another sneaking up on us. Oh, foolish feeling, purposeful lesson learning.

Now home not home, until twosday when departing to pick apples and camp with rainbows, awaiting also more currency returned from deposit of "last month's rent", $300 possibly minus a bit for bills. 150 goes deposit to transfer to friend, 35 goes to other friend, 10 goes to other friend. So, camping begins with living lightly and healing, hopeful honesty openly child become student.

We know what we love, move closer to being integrated with loving life and promoting integrity, openness, loving communication, clarity, see connections and take directions carefully.

Humbly existing for all.