April 13th, 2007

the-gi het-gi gi-het(heat) get-hi hit-eg

It's everything we want it to be.

Falling in love with someone is like falling backwards into a swimming pool, theres a rush of anticipation, a feeling of fear and then sploosh, cool floaty feelings of being immersed in another being, merged, two being one.

Mating to someone is a whole other level, its a life bond, a positively scary thing for both beings, because it entails unknowns, it means loving each other forever, caring against all odds, being willing to give ones life to protect or save the other, forgiving everything and loving the truth of the being, loving the real them, not the actions they make but the being they are.

We have this in this world, though not often, we generally call mating marriage, but marriage is another thing altogether, its a world of paperwork and rules and regulations and other peoples concepts applied to our lives together, it's not what we are, it's not what we need, it's not where we're going and it's never as true as we lead people to believe.

It is not mating. Mating is naturally a more base procedure in that it related to bonding at a deep level with somebody, and it is the most beautiful thing we've got in love. A life-bond is life-mating, not love-mating, though the two go hand in hand, there are few things akin to the tie of a mating, and a true mating can never be broken.

I am a wolf. I am a tiger. I am a man. I am mated to a woman. I am in love with a girl. I am being for this person forever. And lately every time we are together she does her best to hurt me. Her words, her looks, her attitudes, her being is all tailored towards remaining within past hurts between us. She rarely lives in the now when I am with her, she delves into past hurts, she remembers mistakes and words we've spoken and focuses them through te lens of her being into something that cuts me, that squeezes me, that pushes me as far away as possible, like a cub ready to leave the den being driven away by its parents.

Seems nobody wants to see us together more than me. We are so perfect for eac other, we are bonded at a deep cosmic level and the universe or cosmos or collective knows that no matter what else I have said or labeled a "promise" in the past, this is one bond beyond promises, one that is out of my hands. I cannot end this bond, I will never want to.

She reads these words and see more strings, more chains, more restrictions being imposed upon her when there are none except the desire to be treated equally again, to be given 100% of her love like in past days, to be forgiven and embraced as a brother and as a mate.

She is not quite ready to mate yet, in terms of reproduction, thats ok, we are a patient species and we've made our choice. She is the only one for us in these aspects. The universe wont even let other girls who are interested break into this bond, because our love is so strong, anything that could endanger the future we share is being re-routed cosmically, and we love it.

We want to hold her again. We want to embrace her again. We want to feel the things coming from her that came from her in the past, we miss who we were together before. We miss the girl we love. Even when she is near. She often seems so far away.

We will wait. We will. Sweetheart gimme another chance.
the-gi het-gi gi-het(heat) get-hi hit-eg

Stop Trying..?

She feels that if I stop trying things will somehow go smoother between us, that I can never have things as my "ego" wants them. Let's have a chat with Mr. Ego and see what exactly it is that he wants, since he appears to be some seperate entity outside of me or inside of me or Dr. Jeckle, Mr. Hyde? Dunno, does ego come out when we ask, or does ego need some sort of potion to allow it free reign over our bodies.

Ego is a silly concept, its an excuse or a means to dodge the responsibility for that which we do or say. We say something, then people attribute it to our egos as if we are not completely whole. Ego is one part of us and we are another part, thus together we+ego=one. Silly, since ego is a concept, a word used to describe a whole bunch of aspects, and aspects as we understand them are singular spectacles, or single views, specific, one-point-view. A restrictive relativity, we look at someones ear and say, that is "your ear" when in truth we are loking at THEM. We ought say, that is YOU. NOT, that is "your ear", since for it to be "my ear" it would have to be some disconnected part of me, in possession. Such as the clothing I wear, "my clothing" because it is ON me now. Anything I do not currently touch or am in contact with is NOT MINE.

I do not OWN anything except the space I INHABIT, the objects I ANIMATE and LIFE.

I AM living, I AM occupying space, and I AM, animated, animating whatever is in contact with me. I am NOT the things I animate. I am NOT the space I occupy, I am not even the life I live. I am. No more, no less.

Now, trying.. effort, akin to determination to be, to connect, to share, to live life with vibrance and without fear, with family, with loved ones, with purpose.. Why try? Ought we all stop trying? What are we trying for? What is it to try? In a general sense...

EFFORT.

When the woman you love tells you that trying is something you should NOT do.. what does she mean?