June 23rd, 2007

the-gi het-gi gi-het(heat) get-hi hit-eg

Grave of the Fireflies

The emotional spectrum, and our ideal as towards which end is the preferred, no longer holds sway on me. It seems I prefer sadness now, I long for tears, for heartbreak, for loss and grief. I prefer these to the rest, they seem wanted, they seems deserved, they desire respect in manners which humanity ignores. All the death, the despair, the decay and deterioration, yearn for emotional display, the trees cry but few hear, the land heaves underfoot, the sky quakes in fear, even the sun looks down upon us with sorrow for our lack of respect for the nature of things.

I want to cry tears forever, I yearn to feel the madness of sadness for all that cannot display to us in ways we understand. I feel the best I ever feel when feeling these things, when watching the sad things happen in films, the death of loved ones, the loss of homes, the destruction of the desirable things, they make me feel good in the feeling sad.

This is a clear thing to me now, I wish I could remain in a perpetual state of tears, but I am not built that way, I continually return to the flat, indifferent, emotionally static state, a sort of dumbfoundedness, a confusional delusion, like fog, and it seems like the right place to be also. For happiness in this place is unworthy of imbalance, there is too much already, too many blind, deaf, deumb people who have no cause and no clarity of insight into the workings of reality, the function of the species, the goal of life, the stroll of living.

I had wishes that I could enact change on this plane, this realm of form, and sense and emotion, I had dreams of grandure for the planet, for the evolution, for all, but people are not ready, they are educated into lazyness, like me, they encounter too many others who only serve to stall them, distract them, cause them to lose footing in their resolves, and dreams become forgotten things, lost in the momentary gratification of senses.

The search for ecstasy is all that matters to humanity these days. Ignorance of truths is preferred to courage to change and cooperate, everyone short sighted, only allows us a portion of the message and then puts hands up and closes hearts to wisdom, all the lessons exist, yet we still seek to find them while they rest tatooed onto our skin, we no longer look to them, we are indulgent viruses, as Smith said, we are spreading like a disease o this world, destroying it bit by ginormous bit, one species at a time, one species at a time. I cry. But I can do nothing here.

noone listens to me, and when they do, they care not what I say, more important to them is my facial expressions and how they reflects upon the moment. How they gratify their sense of self.

Look to the lone true love of my life, the one human love, Anne Marie, she has so much changed due to my influence, she no longer is the soul I loved, at least not to me, to me, she is a hating, snide being, treating me with no respect, no encouragement, no contact these days whatsoever. I am nothing to her, I may as well have never lived, as in her, I am everything wrong with this world, I am unloved, even unliked. Something I thought impossible of her, but so it seems, the entire world behaves the same, they pretend to love you when it serves them, but the moment they are faced with hard truths about themselves and the rest, they become hatred, indifference, careless, disgust and the rest.

I have noone in this world anymore, truly, I am alone. What is a friend, it is something I no longer can define. What is a loved on, once again, I lack the ability to explain this in a manner which humanity would accept.

Once you reach a point in learnedness, the world does not want to hear it, will abandon you and sentence you to banishment from sanity in their eyes.

It is alright, I recognize it, I felt it for years now, as I grew and studied and sought the roots of reality, and what mattered it to this place, only the future generations will know I knew truth, but likely even record of my existence and knowledge will be erased by time and noone will ever look back upon my life and say, "see, he really did know the truth of the matter" which is unimportant to me anyway, why would I care if someone in the now or the later justified my amalgamation of information as a truth based on fact, the truth is, the system is too fragmented now for any one person to enact change upon it, people cannot even envision a world free of money, they are so addicted to the concept, its been educated into them since birth. Sad.

When I am gone, I hope no one notices.