December 24th, 2007

the-gi het-gi gi-het(heat) get-hi hit-eg

Fears..

Fe-male -fe-ar.

I guess I'm writing now about my fears. There are not really many of them, they are very focused and probably even fictitious, but they are in me and I feel the roiling ball of them in my stomach, it feels like I've centered the core of myself around sexual intercourse, but to me this means so much more than what it used to means, sex is everything there is, why do I keep allowing it to be something it need not be.

I hear the play of male on male, female on female and male on female in the language and it seems after the wards have allowed me to fend off the temptation that knowing the source is me, the idea of temptation stemmed from me in the first place.

Did I want to? Why is it that sex seems to be a subconscious goal of mine? While the conscious me knows it for what it is and rejects the subconscious. Why does the male part of me want to have sex but the so-called female part of me not want to?

For when I think about my twin flame, when I see her, whenever I am aware of her, my body goes haywire and I feel like I'm balancing on a ladder where at the bottom rests the instinctual desire to penetrate and sensate and at the top the intuitive lust for true brother/sister companionship taunts and teases me because I feel her holding the ladder of my instincts.. She is so much sexual energy to me that she feels it reflected in me when I near her and she becomes a deer in the headlights, and I do too, and we shy away from each other..

It hurts every time. It hurts not to be near her, and the same to be near her, and I feel like this with everyone, I don't have a serious grasp on the material anymore, the ideals and ideas of old are falling away from me and I am grasping sand interpersonally now, I am student trying to be teacher of teachers and teacher not recognizing a room full of wise ancients in the bodies of children.

Though I do recognize it, I see the world projected by me and the more so it clarifies the harder it is to believe in moment by moment life in the illusion. The why and for what of anything anymore, as if I were letting got of this reality one step at a time inside yet for every release there is another attachment.

Let us let go.

At Secret Society I saw the messages, though I'm sure I missed many and you would know. Phallic, sexual, livid lucid and lurid, I laughed in the ideas portrayed, the attempts of female to become male and male to become female, the penis portrayed and the see yourself here my dear.

I am such folly.

Why did I come to this world? I know what the things are, but yet I want none of them. I want them all, yet they are already mine because they come from me. I make them. I let them make me, yet they seek to push me towards one thing mainly, a nail.

I read of myself in the books, I see myself in the signs, I try to be directed but I know not why I direct myself and yet seem to wish to fight my own directions. I am a cosmic farce and the levity of me seems not apparent until I become a child and let go of adult ideas. Sex is one of those.

I stand on a spire, childhood is on one side and adulthood on the other, which represents the masculine and the feminine? Which? Why?

I fell into adulthood unprepared for the need to return to childhood and now as I see the apex behind me I feel that to grow up or old or elder or whatever is a symbol of my subconscious showing me a direction not to go in.

Like so many temptations, what do they bring? Why do I ride the waves of sensation? What is the return for orgasm? Procreation is me trying to clone myself, yet I am so... confused, for I am taught not to seek a return.. I am to give without desire for myself in any way, no payment for giving. Just give.

Heavens Angels. Protect me from myself.