January 3rd, 2008

the-gi het-gi gi-het(heat) get-hi hit-eg

I am leaving for study.. Creek Countdown

There are two schools now. One is text and word, the other motion and action. One is solitude and serenity the other collaboration and co-ordination. Both are correct, neither are correct. Both lead forward, both lead back.

I sit this morning reaching out to my father for guidance and grip tight the resolve to do as is asked of me. What comes clear is that I am the asker in these paths more than the follower of what is asked. I am nearing the point of departure and wondering if it is the correct path. So much has changed, so much coincides, and I see it and feel it and know the magic of it is true.

There exists a gulf in the logic of it all, the idea of duality in you. The thought that somehow you both know and do not know what you are. God give me whatever you deem necessary in order to win free of all vices and refrain from temptations towards ends.

I have been weak in myself. I have feared and felt frustrated and now I am building a ship to carry my heart to new heights in you. Are you sure you want me wit you? I know I want to be next to you, in you, both held by you and holding you.. And Magorium.

It's in M you say. It's in mmmmmm and MMMMMM and um. It's in magic for fun and in saying things without thought for a counting, where am I not? Why am I not, if I am?

You speak to me. You speak volumes and I cry that you are leaving, don't go, stay with me, but why? Why does S leep? I tire. if it is I who ties S to me and the leeping of S is due to the necessary penance, than sleep is not so much for anything other than repayment of sin. If S goes in.. s leeps.

Sine wave sin.

So I circle and reason and the log I see is my idea of incapability in recognizing sin and non sin. Is sin in the food? Is salt, sugar, starch, and other words beginning with s, sin? To me it seems so, for my body sleeps and only does the sleep recede as it did last winter, upon adherence to:

Genesis
29: And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

But I am still lost without you father. Please.. guide my actions as you do, and I will listen to you. Be it as you wish and I will for it as you will. Am I to be the pauper, the monk, the wandering spike? Shall it be for me to be a lance in your name, one who is caught between the idea that this entire reality was created by you to teach me a lesson, and that it is ONLY me who must change... and the idea that these children you have surrounded me with are play acting their ignorance for the imparting of another lesson in my education..

As I am learning.. as I have learned..

To speak of myself or others only positively, uplifting us all. Yet I have shamed myself by speaking evil of both me and out this demon, let me speak of us to stop doors from closing. Spar cull, two negatives joined become positive, sparkle.

I know why I am here.. yet I do not. This world is a part ease and all the parties appear to me to be training to ease me into the part I am to play in heaven. If eternity is so.. is heaven a giant everlasting art-full part ease leading to.. why?

Are we to spend eternity dancing and smiling at each other? Is holding hands and hugging all there is to our afterlife? Is heaven here and now, the before and after of school on earth? Why do you teach me the sympathetic ideals and the empath magic if the only actor in this play is me?

I quest for answers and you say to me I quest for love, yet you banished me for I sought more than love, for love seemed to me to be just an infinity of orgasmic variation, and I stared at it, wondered at it, and showed to you the things I saw, because you are my eyes and I only see through you, yet I questioned validity and logic and sense and fell to my knees and cried at the concept of conception, yet you made me. I am he who was banished, but never banished.. chastised.. I will be filled with joy if you will fill me with it, for I have to know..

Are you leaving? Is this office on ice? Or as you are so subliminal coincidentally.. we come to the other.. are you existing apart from all things or not, for you are within all things, this I know and believe with all my heart, there is simply the quest I am on to know you, yet you say it is me I seek to know, not you..

How can you be? How can this be? How can I be?

I know and believe and faith is in me. I will take this last sabbatical, this last sojourn into solidarity and seek to know the light and cleans my hurts and pains, I will step aside from these others until the green things grow and even as you have spoken of the home I intend to build as folly.. the idea of it sits in my heart still, yet I am listening now.

When I come back from the easy breathing space, when the jig no longer is my line, when the cab in me no longer seeks for rest and the healing of this world has truly begun in me, then, then will I don the sandals, or even walk barefoot in your honor and humbly give you that which is yours by right, the lead of me, to send me without home or payment, without concern for selfishness and vice, without anything but a determination to walk beside you and carry you as you have carried me.

I am nearing the spring and leaving behind the winter of my discontent.