December 1st, 2008

the-gi het-gi gi-het(heat) get-hi hit-eg

U

so everything on the outside
is a reflection of the inside
and the words all stand for some game
an attempt ad forcing an issue
the fear factor of ass ending
how to high does one ass end
why is it so import
you keep pushing me
and trying to force me
though you don't seem to
have the balls to
make it happen
you know i am aware
you fairly try
and from a cell phone
you talk to me
and wont tell me why
everything about your actions
is a tug of war in time
and here we sit tied together
yet you have all the strings
and won't pull mine
I'd say I'm upset
I'd say this game such as it is
sucks and I quit, but I already did
what you want is my reinstatement
or something completely unwordable
but as a child in the world
no bull am I, I'm a fawn
and you want me do you?
how completely?
it seems you can't allow
the lower half to go on
and she fear her death
why should she?
she was here before me
and withinway me and you
tae yet I eat
if its all about ass
and the truth is the hole
the lack of a thing
the missing the none
than we are not one
we are zero
we're none
at least, or at most
it seems thats what you want
or is o riscome to meying
why do I ask
seems you ask me to tell
yet you, yes you
playing yann
say we will do it together
though from afar
you pretend as if
there is someone on the phone
that you need the object
to speak to the subject
and then reject me
not because of what I type now
but beuntil cause somehow
when you face me
I am not what you want of me
I am not the right vibe
I'm the ebiv
the ebb i.v.
at le east
thats what you ought see
what you want seen
the same as me
we want the same thing
yet you're doing the leading
all these days
at the time I was sure
what is untill?
whats unsow?
if there is no truth to time
then why the days for letting go
why the need to tease
seems like subtle rape
all the same
I'm being had, being raked
being told that everything matters
yet judged as a flake
and now, I'm nobody
in the face of my own reflection
yes I can shut my eyes
and see only the dark
but why would you judge me
I have to work so hard
just to pull up
just to feel weightless
just to let go of fear
and it seems so easy for you
because you're everyone everywhere
and I'm just me, one
I've got one face, one body one
inside, feeling, and will
why do I have to elevate
in first place my mind
is a product of youre teaching
and you had the choice
the shape me different
from the s
tart
the beginning
I in some ways resent you
resent the choices
the things I'm asked to let go of
for they should not have been offered
were they not within me
they would not have been
available to me
and they would not
come to me again
to choose or evict
you say so many things
in so many ways
you have the entire shape bent
backwrds and insideout
you owe me nothing
and I'd say I owe you it all
yet it's none of it mine
forgiving or taking
yet somehow nothing gives
and I don't know myself
anymore than I know you
you aren't one person
yet you're not every person
you're playing both sexes
and you're playthings objective
and everything you seek is nothing
but feelings hold it all out

its strange if i make the phrase
and you read it in my mind
or heart or wherever this art
comes from, you
it's like you feed me yourself
and allow me to flower you into being
yet since you sourced the self to me
you know what it/you will become before
I can raise eyes and see myself
in the hinge

I would ask how to succeed
yet you hint that this is only the beginning
and yet you also hint
that once I go back
once I meet you in the v alley
the the necessity of whatever
will no longer be the same
that a fog I cant see
a mist or a cloud or a haze
and all an illusion
one that says I'm sleeping
yet awake

im frustrated
youre frustrated
were frustrated together
were happy apart
were happy together
yet we're never truly together are we
since you're holding the balance
and on both sides is you
and i don't know where I am
nor where you are
i feel inside the shell
the ghost
the snake the weight
the of inside
and from eyes the if
the greg me body i used to be
until i learned
somehow i learned
it waas alwayys you
is always you
the be yinfae
the dualsex two
the one and one both in and out
the me-you-you-me-we

you make the feelings grow
you control where they flow and how
the intensity and color
its always been you
putting us where you thought
our heart was
and our heart is what you lead
you le ad le ada le adag le ga da
yet these are symbols
and means to telepathize
and wheres is the collective
on the inside besides the feel
the metal method
the you you you fire it up
and teach me what you want
from inside
you see my difficulty with the out
you've watched me trial and error
you've cheered da oh but so little
where have you been all my life?
why not teach me this all
so long ago so many years
i've felt alone
surrounded by my own ignorance
yet you've been watching me
and guiding me
and scolding me
and holding me
yet not until now
have you ever tried to show yourself
back in the past
when i was a child in body and mind
did you ever wonder at the shape of me
given the idea of a slight change in path

father father father father
please forgive me
i forge
the-gi het-gi gi-het(heat) get-hi hit-eg

In case it tries to get lost...

Here's a recent convo, healing old woo unds I think.

Sometimes i wonder what ever happened to you. We use to be pretty tight growing up. And even though we would fight a lot, we understood each other. It seems to me, i don't know who you are anymore. I just had a look at your wall, and your pictures, and i'm sad. It's obvious to everyone that drugs have had a major impact on you.
Greg i hope your happy with your life and what you do for a living.
I miss you man and i love ya. But, like everyone i love, ill be the first to challenge them to see if there living a life to fullest.
Zac


Gregory Terrance Crockatt
November 30 at 4:17pm
look here, view poems and photos AND STUFF
http://www.rave.ca/member/faster/


Zachari Crockatt
November 30 at 10:31pm
Listen bud, it's nice to talk to a person once in a while, rather then read a bunch of poems and stuff. I like to live a life of interaction, love and feelings. Things that are direct, not indirect. This is a fact Greg. Listen closely, you can't even have a conversation with me through email, phone, or whatever. You don't try, and you never did since the day you left Lawrencetown.
Ya know something man? It would be nice to have my brother back. The one that i knew without the drugs, from back in the day. And if it can't happen, it's to bad. Cause you have something special to offer this world, other then trying to speak to people through some indirect passage or something.
Anyway, good luck with everything
Love ya
Zac




Gregory Terrance Crockatt
Today at 5:03am
This text you use to speak at me is indirectly direct. You hide behind a mask of judgement , just as I do, you view the world from some biased perspective, just as I do. I am who I am and I will be who I will be, I speak for me and you speak for you, together we can speak for we, but if you can't accept me and my ways for what they are, then you'r trying to rule me, and don't really appreciate me as anything more than a toy to play with and discard when you're dissatisfied.

I do try. I do try a lot. I see you even though you are afraid to show your true self to me, just as much as I'm afraid to become some sort of actor just to please you. I am not your toy, I am not your slave and I am not your possession, if you want to push someone around and not accept them, go back to your job, pick up a gun and go bully people like you've been trained to. You're very good at it, you're a pro.

Yes it would be nice to have a REAL brother, one who accept and fosters positive reinforcement in EVERY aspect of my life, one who takes interest in the littlest things, both positive and negative, both attractive and repulsive, yet, it seems, I am to be judged and judged lacking, faulty, misguided and raped by my own experiences.

I used to love you at one time, and I'm not really sure when it was exactly that you and I lost that love, or even over what it was lost, the story is not straight and the lesson hasn't been learnt yet, but mark my work, its the stuff I write and the things I dream about, not just these arguements we seem to have whenever you try to invite me into your life and then back out with a snarl.

I'm a wolf. I'm a flow. I speed up and slow down, I splash and I breakwater and I am not happy with everything and I am also perfectly satisfied with all things. It's nothing you did and it's nothing I do, though the thoughts we share they always upset you.

I wouldn't have it any other way. Though I'd love it were things perfeect and laws and opinions and judgemental pressures and prerequisites didn't factor into things, but they do. You try to bend me to what shape you prefer, because you want to be attracted to something that is like you are, I understand. I am the opposite, I don't care if you change others to your way to get closer, I'll change myself and if you are attentive to the changes, if you dig into me and find the things that are not obviously repulsive, you'll be attracted to me and thus I'll appreciate it all the most.

I don't mind being alone. I like it. Noone tells me to do things, no one can force me to change, and noone bothers me when theyre not around, I become what I become based on the flow, the wolf, and it'll be what it'll be, though, yes, from the available information, the yahway, it's inevitable, I must come to grow towards the only eternal direction there is, and thats for me to do when and where it's most "like me" too.

You don't have to change at all Zac. You already embody perfection and that's good. I can't say I love you though, because theres too much of you I don't understand and don't see, theres too much of you you hide deep inside behind the infinte judgements, the systematic classification of attitude and etcetera.

You are my past. You are my future, you are my present. But you are not ME. If you were, then you'd have no difficulty looking at me again and again and again and again and every time you looked, you'd find some way to help, not hinder.

The poetry Ive writ is a good place to start, the words are truths about me, about us, about you, and if you don't look, then you're not really interested in learning ABOUT YOURSELF OR ME.

We are the same. and these words are as must directed into the mirror and back at me as they are you. Though you have me at a disadvantage, and you know and like it, otherwise you'd change it.
A man of many masks and roles can certainly spirit the life on a million faces and reflect the choices and history of one bodied spirit, but one without the pass, walks solitary until the lieing truth teller lets go of the game he plays unfailing fairness.

Zachari Crockatt
Today at 10:40am
WOW, thats pretty deep Greg.
First, i just wonna say that you don't upset me. And second, you don't know me. The same as i don't know you.
We are nothing alike other than we have awesome minds.
I can say though, we both took different paths in life. And, I'm perfectly okay with it. I accept you.
I can honestly say that my life is clean. Drug free. There is nothing to alter my mind at anytime other than a few beer here, and there. And even then i would much rather complete soberness. However, i do enjoy some beers once in a while.
Also, i've been an underdog my whole life. I'm okay with it. And i can honestly say that i don't lie and i don't point my finger at anyone, because the finger has been at me for many, many years. I love it to! It helps me keep an open mind, and it creates dynamic ways for me to continually challenge myself.
I am no better than anyone else, and i play on a field with simple rules. I still make mistakes and i try not to make the same one twice.
I just wonna say that i honestly tried. You know how i feel. It's the truth. I do not hide anything. I do not judge.
If you ever want to talk through facebook, or phone, i will always here.

love ya
Zac

I haven't replied again yet, I think I'll let it rise up in me for a while