January 8th, 2009

the-gi het-gi gi-het(heat) get-hi hit-eg

How...... where are you!!!!

First on I'd like to throw in a special thanks to Marc for some very helpful words and timing this weekend. He's a very special guy, I just realized it. Three cheers and a purple heart for Marc! Ok and three cheers for everyone else who was there, including the girls who stomped on my chest and face and threw beer on me and were pretty much the biggest bitches I ever met. Thanks girls, you deserve hugs and a chance to relive those moments from within my body. I'd say I'd like a chance to be the one who took your place and stood on your face and all, but however cruel I might be, I don't believe I would ever have done that. Plus I figure, had you been in my shoes you would not have elected to thank me for stepping on you. Forgive and remember.

I pushed the reset button thrice.

Dislocated my should and left it so on purpose for the first time ever. Saw with it vibrating and listened to marc talk about sensuality sexuality and love and how decided to relocate the should on cue with the word arc.

If we don't diss and complain about how you do things, you'll never get better. If we let go of the weights we're using to hold you back from us, you'll all the sudden be our equal and ooooooohhhh boy, we can't have that, you've gotta pay us for the right to edge a little bit closer to us one tiny and strenuous step at a time.

Stop fighting yourself. Stop fighting us. Stop telling us that some part is unworthy in term.

So I went to this part, played my y, and party was born and my friends or family or aspects of my spirit, the collective me, the we-me, the us-bus once again pushed and pulled and played its part right to the letter of the unwrit law that has not been named or spoken. I look at a person and they stop, expecting, expectant of me to throw them compliments, to force my chi up into the heart and then describe them as perfect and then to feel sensual for them, not towarsd then, but "for" them, fr they do not feel sensual for me, they merely describe that which I feel. As if they all lack sense of their own, or as if they have taken from me my ability to access the feelings they feel, for others and for myself.

I am a conduit of sense, and the world pretends as if until I somehow do or preform in a manner demanded of me, the reigns of my chi are out of my hands, I have a slight control over my chi, and it is hard won, the effort it takes to keep my chi afloat is tiring, and with the pressure of an infinity of peers constantly heckling me and chiding me, one could say that preferential treatment and recipricol behavior is learned, its a wonder I behave like a deer in the headlights whenever.

This world, this purgatory is a test? It must be? Yet who does not respond to kind words, or tears or harsh words or begging even. My shadow sits across from me and seems completely empty headed, a blank stare and dumbfounded huh, is there something "I'm" being expected to do? even when its obvious that there is expectation. And I sit across from that person and wonder if I face nothing more than a gollum.

Their is a veil of half truth seperating us, or is it keeping us together, wherever or whatever it or we are, makes no difference to me truly, I am ashamed of my family, my parents, my teachers, my master gurus for their lack of slack giving, or for the method which they chastise in order to teach, even though I in some ways see the madness to their methodology, the meat tenderizer, the lets stress him to the breaking point so many times that when true stress comes he will hold fast and calm and not break his silver lining, the one which slowly glows and grows within him alas, his is more grey than silver, absorbing instead of reflecting.

Yet is that wrong?

Yet what is wrong? What is bad? Why create these words if only to dissolve the idea of rules, using a seeming negative behavior type to promote positive behavior types? If there is truly no good or bad, you and I are already perfect, but huff puff and hum fiddle, what would I wish?

Would I wish for something for me?
Would I wish for something for you?

Would I wish for something for god or satan?

I do being believe in wishes and in god and as he is perfect and the wish fulfiller, I'd have to be selfless in my wish request and give my wish to the devul, thru gods ear.

Gregory wishes that the reconciliation of good and evil, the merging of dark and light, the forgiveness of satan for whatever he first did that caused his fall. There is none more deserving of forgiveness than the very first sinner. If I could speak on Gods behalf, I would say, Satan, you are forgiven. If I could speak on Satans behalf, I think I would cry and rush to heaven and hug my father and give my ways back into his control and pardon the world, releasing it from all rules.

Though, have I the right to speak for gods behalf? OF is even the b-half the one which has the right to grant such forgiveness?

Or is it gods a-half which must forgive satan?

Why do I not pray? Because I could never find anything I felt worthy to pray for. Would it help if I prayed for satan every day? Do you think anyone else on this planet prays for evil? Prays for pain? Prays for darkness? Prays for death?

There is a different method of praying, not praying "to" satan, but praying "for" satan.